Ready To Improve Your Midlife Relationships? Consider Tweaking This Specific Area of Your Mindset

Hey there! Today's episode is about how a particular mindset in midlife can affect so many relationships, and these are probably the most important relationships that we have. I want to give you something to think about because this is not going to be a step one, step two, step three type of episode.

First, I'm going to give you a fantastic example from "The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel" on Amazon Prime, and then we'll do a character evaluation from one of these storylines.

We're looking at season five, episode seven of "The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel" and focusing on the grandfather, who is brilliantly played by Tony Shaloub. (I love him so much!)

The scene set-up

In this episode, he takes his grandson Ethan to school and stays for a parent event that's going on. During that event, the principal is showing the "free to be" time that the children get every day. She explains that a portion of the day is devoted to one subject that each student excels in.

She goes through the different groups. The engineering group, for example, is building a model of a hotel that caters to pets. The math group has one minute to solve a problem and whoever solves the most problems wins a prize.

The reading group is reading a book a week, and then they write a play about it and perform it. The astronomy group is selling candy bars to buy a new telescope, while the language group is currently reading a book in French.

At that point, the grandfather points to a table in the corner and asks what that group is. These kids have a huge mess on their table with balloons and construction paper. They're walking around the table with paper hats on, making noise and giggling and laughing. Basically, they're just kids being kids.

But they're happy...

The principal says, "Oh, that's the happy group." The grandfather says, "I don't understand." So the principal says they excel at being happy. The grandfather again repeats that he doesn't understand, and he points out what all the other groups are doing.

They're building hotels, buying telescopes and writing plays, but the table his grandson is at is just walking in circles. So the principal repeats, "Oh, but it makes them happy. They're the happy group."

Then the principal introduces the teacher for the happy group, and the teacher immediately says, "Ethan's one of the happiest kids we've got," and both the principal and the teacher start bragging on Ethan and how incredibly happy he is.

The grandfather discovers that the children took an aptitude test to determine their strengths and what group they're placed in. He demands that his grandson be retested.

So he's tested again and the scene comes back to where the principal is saying, "It's really unusual that a student does worse on a test the second time, but he spelled his name correctly this time so this is a big improvement, and he gets to keep his spot in the happy group."

Needless to say, this does not please the grandfather. So at dinner that evening, the grandfather tells his daughter, Ethan's mom, that Ethan failed the aptitude test and has the potential for nothing but happiness.

His daughter says, "Is that bad?" And the grandfather says, "The firstborn of the Weissman men are expected to excel. They are not expected to be happy."

His daughter responds, "Just because he's happy doesn't mean he won't excel."

I'm going to stop the story here, hilarious as it is, because I want to talk about the grandfather's mindset. Let's make a few observations, shall we?

How Grandpa's mindset affects his relationships

Here's what I'm gleaning from what the grandfather thinks:

• He thinks either you can excel or you can be happy.
• He also thinks you can only excel if you're doing one of the "important jobs" like being a chemist or an engineer or a mathematician. And some of us might add doctor and lawyer to that list too.
• He thinks if you are not excelling in your profession, you are not doing anything valuable or worthwhile.

Everyone is entitled to think what they think, but my biggest question when I saw this entire story unfolding was:

What is his relationship with his grandson going to look like when that child gets older?

How miserable is he going to make that child by thinking like this? Do you think his grandson is going to be running into granddad's arms every time he sees him? Or do you think he's going to want to run in the opposite direction?

Ethan, the grandson, may not be running away blatantly but you can guarantee his grandfather will not be one of his favorite people. And it's all because of grandpa's thinking.

Grandpa thinks things have to look a certain way or they're not valuable or worthwhile. It's just like he thinks you can either excel or you can be happy. You can't do both.

The black-and-white thinking that can hurt you and others

Friend, this type of black-and-white thinking can do more damage to your relationships than anything else out there. When you project this type of "black-and-white, has-to-look-a-certain-way" mindset on your loved ones, you're quietly pushing them away, whether you know it or not.

They'll continue loving you, of course, but are they going to be open and vulnerable with you so you can have a close relationship?

You know the type of relationship I'm talking about. It's that easy way of talking with each other, where you're both comfortable, where you both trust each other. It's a relaxed relationship of authenticity and genuineness.

It's a relationship where you can be yourself with no fear of judgment. That's what we all want. We all want those comfortable relationships. We crave them. That craving, that need, is part of the way God designed us. He wants us to be in peaceful, thriving, supporting relationships with each other.

As Easy Agers, we're quite the opposite of this grandfather. We don't think things have to look a certain way because we're much more flexible than that. We accept people as they are right now, in this moment.

We don't spend our lives trying to change them because we know we can only change ourselves. And that's where we spend a good chunk of our time -- learning and growing and changing so we can be healthier, happier, more content people. This leads us to contribute wonderful things to this world as we focus on building up and encouraging others.

Here's something to think about:

Are you a "black-and-white, has-to-look-a-certain-way" type of person? If so, can you see where you might need to make a few tweaks to those relationships?

All I'm asking you to do is to think about whether or not you're this type of person. And if you are, why not evaluate your relationships to see where you can get a little softer around the edges?

A fun-sized action here and there, and you'll probably start seeing some positive changes in your most important relationships. Give it a try -- You won't regret it.

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